The Sneaker Rubric

If you want to buy a pair of sneakers for fashion purposes, you’ll soon be confronted with a list of unspoken rules, all of which you somehow already know. All of which are untenable for a normal human woman who does not have photos of her taken while she’s out to get a green juice or whatever the hell. And you’ll ask yourself, as I did this weekend, why you don’t just break down and buy the shoes that look good but make your back hurt and your feet stink because they aren’t sock compatible. The answer is that you’re not entirely swayed by the impossible beauty standards of the world, goddammit. You’re just mostly swayed by them. And so you find yourself measuring each pair of innocent shoes against the Sneaker Rubric:

1. They must be white. The first page of results on Pinterest for “sneaker outfit” is testament to this. Each shoe is a pristine, crystalline white. In case anyone has forgotten, these are the pieces of rubber and plastic we attach to our feet to interface with the surface of the Earth. And as I’m sure you all know, the surface of the Earth is covered in such things as dirt, mud, dew (which, combined with dirt makes mud), and so forth, which turn white shoes into gray shoes. Gray shoes are not the trend, white shoes are.

   

   Pinterest search for "sneaker outfits"
   

   
   
2. If they aren’t white, they have to be large. And not just the orthopedic kind of shoes human beings with back problems ought to wear (that is to say, all of us). Chunky shoes. Moon shoes. These shoes could serve as a raft in a white water river, they are so large and buoyant. If you need to have a quick meal or jot something down, these shoes have enough surface area to serve as a table. These shoes could be your sole carry on item for a commercial flight. So that’s an option, but not for me because I am a career woman and I can’t go bouncing off into space every time I want to visit a coworker’s cubicle.

   

   The classic chunky Filas
   

   
   
3. Then, if they are not all white and they are not all large, they must be a fusion of the two; a somewhat substantial, semi-white shoe punctuated with an absolutely absurd combination of pastel details. Putting aside that none of the colors on the shoe itself actually go together, am I to wear these with my jeans and t-shirts? Even when the t-shirts don’t match the shoes? Am I to revamp my entire wardrobe to be only pastels and pastel-friendly compliments? Or is the clashing of the pastel leather strips a signal to throw color coordination out of the window entirely? Either way, these are not the shoes for me.

   

   Nikes

   
   

   

   More Filas, sorry
   

   
   
    
   The Exception: 

   There is one case in which all these rules go out the window and the shoe-bearer can still be fashionable and that is the case in which the shoe-bearer is Parisian. According to trustworthy sources, Parisians can wear just whatever the hell they want. Because they’re French not only do they get away with it, they redefine what looks good. Unfortunately, this magic only works within the city limits of Paris and doesn’t apply to those of us who can and will be going to Target later for kitchen sponges. 

    

   You want to know what the deal with buying sneakers is? The deal with buying sneakers is that it is hard and modern tastes are not suited to a sensible lady who would not like to make statements via her sneakers, which she is wearing because she needs groceries and arch support. Anyway, I bought a pair of black low profile sneakers with a white sole. If you see me walking in them, please respect my wishes and don’t look at my feet. 

    

    -Claire