Mid-Holiday Forgiveness Prayer

What's the deal with this strange well of time that exists between Christmas and New Year's Eve? There's so much anticipation leading up to the holidays that I forget on an annual basis that life will slow back down and force me to wait until the actual end of December for the big jump-start. In some ways, it's a reminder that this isn't over yet. It isn't yet the time to happily reinvent myself. Instead, the calendar forces me to sit back and wait. One would think that this year would have taught me more about sitting and waiting. 

Instead, the loneliness has set in even deeper than usual, and I slip quietly into wistful reflection. I think about the people I don't talk to anymore, and how badly I want for them to be happy right now. I feel the anguish of not being able to know whether or not they are. I hear the voices of the people I love, the ones who I didn't expect to have to miss, the people who despite their neuroses and complicated generational damage, make me feel at home and most especially make me feel loved without even noticing. I feel guilt after all the gifts are exchanged as I realize that I could have done more. This is not at all what I had in mind this time last year, when I fantasized about moving to the big city and spending my first holiday alone. Nor is it what I had in mind this time last year, in this same post-holiday haze, thinking to myself, "next year I will do it right."

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But my friends, I am standing on a little pinpoint of the earth tonight as a strange, silly little body, and I am looking up at the juiciest most gorgeous full moon. It's windy, and shimmery clouds are blowing across the sky on warp speed. They make it feel like I'm watching a time lapse of months and months of full moons, presenting themselves as the endless, powerful, wave-churning orbs they are. I won't pretend to know anything more about planetary laws or the rules of astrology. I only know that the moon makes me hopeful, and it makes me feel less lonely. And being spared from a moment of loneliness does wonders for the writerly impulse. So, for you, here are my hopes as the world continues unfolding.

For my self:

To learn patience

To allow love

To recognize fear

To trust my instinct

For my friends:

To see what I see in them

To feel the love I have for them

To be joyful

To feel full

For my family: 

To know how much I miss them

To see how much they help me

To be excited for the future

To hold on to hope

For strangers:

To be patient with me

To feel loved

To act with courage

To know themselves

I don't know what will happen next, but I know that it will be better because of you. 

- Helen